It’s been a minute

Whew!

It’s been a minute. I decided to take a quick break from this because I was getting married to my partner of 10 years! After my diagnoses and initiation I was finally able to sit with myself for a moment. We realized we were both waiting on each other to figure out if the other person was ready! Ha! But we both were more than ready and after a short engagement we decided to get married ASAP! So on our 10 year anniversary as a couple we said our I-Do’s to a small intimate ceremony. It was beautiful. It was magical. And I feel all the love 😭

I am so happy for the blessings that my diagnoses has allowed me to fully experience. Sometimes I’m wrapped up in the past and the future that I often forget to feel the feelings of the now. So I turned off this blog for a while to allow me to sit. It wasn’t easy though, I had 1 presentation the week prior to the weeding. I had a panel I was moderating a few days later. I had another paid gig I needed to wrap up the week after. I had a conference I was talking at the following week. And this is me trying my best to significantly slow down.

I need to work on staying present and allowing the time it takes me to process what is happening in the moment. When I think too hard about what I “need” to be working on, (getting married, grad school work, my new internship, my initiation, teaching myself how to read using new software, workshops, side gigs) I get overwhelmed and lose track of time.

When I lose track of time I also lose track of my own feelings. And that’s something that I’ve been wanting to prioritize. MY feelings. Learning how to identify what I am actually feeling in order to take actionable steps to address my physical and emotional needs. It’s not easy though. I want to say that knowing that you are hungry and getting up to make myself something to eat is an easy task. Sleep for me is the worst. How do I recognize that I’m sleepy? How do fall asleep? How do I allow myself to stay in bed when I need to? I’ve grown accustomed to believing that roughly 4-5 hours a day is enough. But I know, and you all know, this is not sustainable. So I’m trying, really trying to do better. Sleep is a touchy subject for another post…

This post is about naming all the things that I want to work on. Naming the things that I want from my self. Maybe if I write them down I can let things go!

• I want to be intentional about my sleep schedule. My next post will be about sleeping. Because it’s always been a huge issue for me and lately I’ve noticed some old unhealthy habits. I want to correct that before it becomes an issue!
• I want to learn how to know what I am feeling- and then communicate those feelings effectively.
• I want to meditate. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get meditating right that I get paralyzed and don’t do it. But I know I want this for my spiritual and emotional growth and well being.
• I want to call my friends and family. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call the people I care about. I know I need social interaction but I’ve never been good at keeping up my friends and family, or feeling like I have anything to talk about.
• I want to get back to doing my workouts. I enjoy working out. But I’ve been thrown of my routine that I can’t figure out how to squeeze in the workouts in my always scattered sense of time!
• I want to pick up one of my old hobbies and stick with it for a while before forgetting and moving on. ADHDers are notorious for hyper-focus binges and I actually have hobbies I enjoy but can’t seem to focus on long enough to remember that I enjoy them.
• I want to read again. (Another touchy subject. I’ll write about this when I’m ready but it will require a lot of spoons)
• But most importantly I want to be present so that I can feel the wave of emotions and blessings coming my way as a result of my initiation. Sometimes I feel like I’m so worked up that I can’t recognize these blessing until the time has passed. I want to be still. I don’t want to miss out on what is happening right in front of my face anymore.

I don’t know how often I’ll get to this blog. But I still want to use it fairly regularly!

Here’s me allowing myself to be flexible, imperfect. No links to articles, no glossary terms, ya can google if you need. No self-editing so if you see a typo, it’ll be okay. I’m saving my spoons to care for myself!